Ridiculous Post Baby Thoughts.

Okay, so after I had Carter, my thoughts and body were a mess!!! But if you would have asked me how I was doing and how the baby is etc, I would be sure to say, “oh, we're great. What a blessing motherhood is”. While this is all true, there is a whole different side to motherhood and let’s be honest…it’s crazy.

The moment Carter was cut from my entrails, I felt like super woman…I felt like I could do it all! I mean, I was just lying there chilling while my blood and guts where everywhere! It was a disturbing moment but all I could think of was looking at that sweet little baby who looked to be covered in cheese. Yes, Carter came out looking like he rolled around in parmesan. I saw him for probably 2 seconds before they took my little cheese ball to be grated. Haha, jk, I mean cleaned up. Women who have c-sections totally get ripped off on the quality time with their baby right after the birth. When I didn’t get ‘kangaroo’ time I thought I had missed something so spectacular and that I would never fully bond with my child… like ever. I know, dramatic. But I really did cry on multiple occasions about this. Bless my husband.

After they stapled me back together and wheeled me into recovery, the strangest thing happened. I felt my ribs! For the first time in months I felt skinny. I literally thought I probably looked like a super model. And after 24 hours of labor and bags and bags of IV fluid pumped into my system, I was the FURTHEST thing from supermodel. Plus, I am 5 feet tall sooooo no, Lindsey, you looked like a potato bug. But still, it was a glorious Kate Moss feeling.  

Yes. This is me on the left in all my supermodel glory.

Okay, like I have said, I am selfish with my time with my family, especially my husband. So after carrying my papoose for 9 months, after talking to him, dreaming of who he would be, after being the only one who could feel his kicks and somersaults; I WANTED MY TIME WITH HIM!!!! And all these people were like, ‘oh my gosh I can’t wait until Carter is born!! I am going to be at the hospital the minute he is born and just love on his little face!” UMMMM NO!!! STEP BACK THERE, CRAZY! It would seriously get me worked up that people thought I was going to give his first few minutes and hours of his life out like a number. Here we all are at the deli counter! Grab a number and I will hand over my BRAND NEW CHILD! He needed to know my scent, not theirs. Yes, I can shamefully look back and be embarrassed by these thoughts.   

I was in recovery foreverrrrrrrrrr. All our people saw Carter at the nursery window so by the time I got to my room it was almost 1am and everyone had left…and all my selfishness vanished! I wanted to present my child in the same manner that Rafiki did Simba. I was ecstatic and still am about our little bundle!

I wanted to parade my new little baby just like Kate and Will did! I call it ‘baby high’. I have never been high or taken a drug in my life but I would definitely think the two highs are similar. I mean we had waited and anticipated his arrival foreverrrrrrrr.

After your ‘baby high’ a special little lactation elf comes in and says it’s time to nurse. During this process I don’t even think I thought anything. I was so shocked by all the fondling.

After you leave the hospital they tattoo your forehead with, “I’M A NEW MOM!” This tattoo is like a wild card. It is your excuse for why you look a hot mess, why you are leaking, why you are sweating, and why your baby is crying…It’s only good for 2 months, though. After 2 months everyone expects you to have your crap together. Seriously, have you ever been in a room when a new mom walks in? People always give them the ‘up-down’. Yes, they look to see how your body has bounced back or has dropped down. My body is still thinking about bouncing back. WHERE IS THE TIME TO BOUNCE BACK?!?!? I MEAN SERISOUSLY? If you work full-time, are a devoted wife and phenomenal mother where is the time to work out?!?!

Your thoughts after baby go something like this, “Where are the diapers? Is he warm enough? Where will I nurse? How do I hide my stomach? I’m pale. Wow, haven't seen that in a while. Is that a rash? How do I hide my stomach? He just needs to be burped. Are my thighs growing thighs? His poop looks like mustard? Does his poop stain like mustard? I need to shave. My double chin is hungry.”

So all in all, it's hard and ridiculous to expect moms to have it all together and to control their irrational thoughts.

Keep calm and pretend on. ;)